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Growing Child has a knack for knowing what my children are up to. This week I noticed that my newly-2 has begun to look at me whenever she’s doing really anything at all – leaning outward on the jungle gym, for example, or filling a cup at the sink – and saying “I do this!” It seems she’ll say it again and again – “I do this, Mommy, I do this!” until I comment. Hmm… Seems I might want to reconcile the over-the-top enthusiasm I throw at potty and pool and probably other happenings with some of the more intelligent, understated murmurings below.

PRAISE JUNKIES

Do you have a praise junkie in your household? Check for telltale warning signs:

1. Kids who turn to you after every accomplishment, large or small, to ask, “Was that good? Do you like my …?”

2. Kids who turn to you constantly, waiting expectantly for the words of praise they anticipate will be forthcoming after every accomplishment, large or small. I could go on, but you are probably beginning to recognize the symptoms. The question is, how did this addiction develop? Don’t shoot the messenger, but the fact is, parents are likely the enablers of this problem.

I know, I know, all you were trying to do is win a little cooperation, and build up your children’s self esteem at the same time – not a bad thing. So you started with a few harmless “good jobs,” thrown out casually when the toddler picked up some toys or stuck her arm out for the sweater.

Then it escalated during toilet learning days, when your enthusiastic praise was forthcoming at every sign of appropriate elimination.

It continued when you learned that all the other parents were continually saying “Terrific” for each and every one of their children’s efforts, sometimes indiscriminately rewarding trivial matters as well as genuinely kind behavior.

Before you knew it, the words flowed automatically, and lo, a praise junkie is born, a child who believes that no action should go unnoticed or uncommented on by an adult.

Now please, understand me: I am the first person to point out the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, attention paid to good behavior that we want to strengthen in young children. And I also believe that children become more competent as they increase their own self-regard. But indiscriminate words of vague praise do neither of these things.

Instead, they leave children unable to truly evaluate their own actions and, I am convinced, vaguely uneasy that everything they do should have a value judgment placed on it by adults, causing children to become dependent on them, and lessening self-motivation. So what do we do to end dependence on praise by children (and ourselves)? We encourage children to describe their efforts, ideas, and products. We want children, not we adults, to evaluate their own work.

So we ask kids open-ended questions like, “What can you tell me about your picture?” or “How did you get room tidied so quickly?” or “I noticed that you got all your buttons done up? What will you do next?”

Such questions get kids thinking about their own actions, and making the message to themselves-”I have good ideas, I can do good work, I make effective plans.” Self-messages are real, and far more meaningful than evaluations from others. When we want to acknowledge children’s work and ideas, we make specific comments. “Terrific”, “good job” or “super” are not specific enough to be meaningful. Specific comments serve as nonjudgmental responses when children want adult attention, and are, in fact good beginning points for those who would try to break the praise junkie’s habit.

Rather than lavishing unspecific comments on a drawing, for example, such as “That is a beautiful picture” or “nice work”, a specific comment would be, “I notice a lot of blue paint on the bottom of your page, with wide red stripes.”

If the child is so moved, he or she can carry on the conversation, but the implication is that the picture and the effort are worth paying attention to.

Another example would be, “That’s the first time I’ve seen you put that puzzle together, Rose, you worked on it for a long time.” The child is then left to say to herself, “I am a good worker.” By helping children break the habit of becoming addicted to adult praise, we open the door for them to become more aware of their own thinking and problem solving, and more able to appreciate and evaluate their own experiences and achievements.

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Holidays with young children are a great time to think about traditions. We’re thinking this year about the mix of Hanukkah and Christmas that we want to have in our nuclear family. And, after our first night of Hanukkah, we’re thinking about which parts were wonderful exactly as they happened, and which parts we might want to tweak a bit going forward ;) Ms. Gestwicki shares some great ideas for very unique, special, repeatable traditions below.

The importance of tradition by Carol Gestwicki

I’ve reflected over the years about what makes a family. I don’t mean the obvious things about blood and legal relationships.

What I mean is the invisible bonds that hold some families together closely, even as time and distance separate them.

Obviously there are things like attachment with emotional commitment, shared experiences and memories, both happy and not.

And I believe that another of the connecting threads is the establishment of family traditions.

What words come to your mind when you hear that word, tradition?

Is it your grandmother’s shortbread Christmas cookies that you helped her cut out?

Is it your father stopping with you for ice cream every time you went for a haircut?

Is it awakening to the smell of your favorite breakfast on your birthday?

In my family, we have created many traditions over the years. Partly it is because we are the kinds of people who love a good celebration.

Partly it is because some things we did once were just too much fun not to repeat.

Additionally, it is because we wanted to create that shared sense of we’re all in this together, aren’t we? that I believe is the essence of family.

What do I call tradition? I’ll share some of ours and then leave you to your own memories. In our house on birthdays, you get to eat the cake of your choice for breakfast.

That means, for example, that one of my sons went to school once having eaten a piece of chocolate cake with purple frosting and bubble gum sprinkles.

Christmas gifts are offered with a cryptic clue to guess what is inside.

That means we all stop to watch the individual puzzle it through and then unwrap the gift, making a long, stretched out and thoroughly enjoyable holiday morning.

The last thing that happens at Christmas is that one of the children finds the boot, a small replica of Santa’s boot hidden on the tree, in which is written one last surprise — usually something fun to do together.

This same boot was on my husband’s tree when he was a child, then found by our children, and now by our grandchildren.

Every summer we have a family dinner to celebrate Owner’s Day, the anniversary of the day we bought the special home in an environment that has so enriched our lives over the years.

At that same home, we keep a summer list of the days that each family member has swum out to the float, noting when life jackets were left off for the first time.

Those pages, saved over 30 years, offer a priceless history of days past and present.

And always, when we sit down to dinner together, we light a candle in the middle of the table. Often, one or more will offer a toast, (a cheer as my youngest granddaughter calls it).

Sometimes this celebrates a new accomplishment — riding my bike without training wheels; a fun event — going to the farm; or simply to being together — We’re all here!

And when dinner is over, the children take turns blowing out the candle.

See what I mean about traditions? Nothing big, nothing important to anyone but those of us who smile and know that this is what we always do.

It’s the always doing, the repetition that means something only to us, that helps us define what we share as a family.

Think about what you are already doing, and what you can do to enhance that sense of we in your household.

Carol Gestwicki has worked with children and families in schools in the U.S. and Canada and taught in an early childhood program in Charlotte, N.C. for over 25 years. A wife, mother and grandmother, she currently works as an early childhood consultant and writes for parents and teachers.

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