Parents Guild Blog

One of our favorite writers offers a note on “anti-child” sentiments on planes and elsewhere and a thought on combating them…. in particular, I love this line: “The very unpredictability of small children reminds me of my puppy… Why should parents and kids not be allowed the same latitude of tolerance and distance?”

“Needed: The support of others” by Carol Gestwicki

A friend recently sent me a link to a blog that started with a mother asking the advice of others about how to travel with her several small children across the country by plane during the holidays— to visit a sick father, as it turned out.

What was fairly shocking was the amount of virulent anti-child feeling that her question elicited.

Readers responded with comments such as she should just stay home, and why didn’t she think of that before she had the children?

Now, granted, I have had my share of annoying experiences with kids kicking the back of my seat and wailing babies. But the idea that parents and their children do not have the right to participate in the world with the rest of us is deplorable.

There is probably not a one of us who has not felt the grip of desperation when our young children just were unable to be reasonable and self-controlled when out in public.

For whatever reason, perhaps fatigue and strangeness made them into persons with whom we would rather not have admitted kinship.

The very unpredictability of small children reminds me of my puppy.

At nine months, she elicits a lot of attention, with perfect strangers walking up to ask if they can pet my dog.

I feel quite justified in saying that I can’t really predict how this puppy will behave.

Why should parents and kids not be allowed the same latitude of tolerance and distance?

Surely those of us who are not currently in the throes of parenting young children can have a modicum of sympathy for those parents who are trying to get through an experience with their sometimes-out-of-control offspring.

Whatever happened to the notion that we’re all in this together, that those of us who are coping okay can lend a hand to those who need some extra help?

Parents are able to do their best job of being patient when they feel supported, not harassed.

When children feel that their parents are calm and in control, that helps them remember the life lessons they are gradually learning about appropriate behavior.

Why should parents even have to ask for the help and tolerance of onlookers, who have no doubt been in similar positions at some point in their lives?

Surely as a people we have not become so caught up in our own lives and preferences that we cannot help and support parents in doing their most important work — guiding their young children and getting them through new or difficult situations.

Certainly it is difficult to not turn around and see where all the noise is coming from in a public setting. And it is human nature to wonder why someone is not tending to that child. And yet, a moment’s reflection will bring to mind with a memorable clarity those moments when we were close enough to that situation to see (or be) the parent trying everything possible to soothe a distressed baby or child.

So, whether you are a parent who has found yourself in situations where you desperately feel the need for help and support, or someone who could easily give that help (rather than disapproval), let’s remember that it is in the best interests of us all to help children feel that the world around them supports them and their parents.

Then they will want to become a part of that loving community, and we all are strengthened.

Carol Gestwicki has worked with children and families in schools in the U.S. and Canada and taught in an early childhood program in Charlotte, N.C. for over 25 years. A wife, mother and grandmother, she currently works as an early childhood consultant and writes for parents and teachers.

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["Growing Parent" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc. For a free sample of Growing Child timed to the monthly age of your child go to GrowingChild.com.]

I’ve never been so aware of and attuned to time’s passage as I am now with little ones around. Their growth and change is so marvelous, so awe-inspiring, it drives me to think about how I can grow and change, become better and realize my dreams, along with them. This week’s Grandma Says article from Growing Child focuses the lens on a rather profound by-product of our children’s growth, those aspects that they can perceive themselves.

THE KIDS, THEY ARE A-CHANGING

My friend Ellen told me this story about her granddaughter who just turned four. Audrey went with her mother to pick up the birthday cake from the supermarket. The bakery attendant asked her how old she was, and Audrey replied, “Four!” showing the requisite number of fingers.

When the woman asked Audrey what she was going to do to celebrate her birthday, Audrey said, “We’re going to the Nutcracker!” Then she lowered her voice and said, confidentially, “I used to call it the Nutcrapper.” Everyone chuckled, and enjoyed her big-girl sense of how she had changed.

We watch them grow. Daily they acquire new skills and knowledge, and right before our eyes, they develop and change. Friends and family remark on the transformations each time they see the youngsters. But what is interesting is to realize that children themselves are aware of their alterations.

Almost from the beginning of their lives, children are striving to move on to the next step, whether it is the furiously squirming infant who is desperate to crawl, or the toddler who demands to do it herself, as she sees her bigger brother do.

There is always a goal, something to work towards, something to change or do better.

Sometimes we talk about pushy parents, those who always want their children to achieve the next step, to move on. Who knows why they are in a rush—is it to get the child to a level of recognizable competence, or is it to affirm that they are doing an acceptable job of parenting?

In any case, pushy parents fail to recognize that their efforts are not needed, that children are highly motivated to keep changing and becoming more competent on their own. Just think what it adds to children’s healthy self-esteem, when they realize, as did Audrey, that they are learning and growing, self-correcting their earlier errors as they go.

Sometimes I think that the fascination that babies hold for preschoolers and school-aged children is their tangible testimony of how humans change, of just how far even a preschooler has evolved from a helpless infant.

The family photo album or videos record the physical growth, in both appearance and ability—be sure to take time to pull these out from time to time.

Do you have a doorway marked with height measurements? This too tells the story of development.

Family stories and reminiscences also serve to highlight the changes, as Dad reminds the child of when he couldn’t even ride the bike with training wheels, let alone zip down the driveway with ease, and Mom points out the ease with which a young reader identifies words which used to be mysterious. The story about Audrey made me realize how frequent and subtle are the changes in our children’s lives, and how each is an occasion for pride and celebration, whether we point it out, or the child herself does.

How has your child changed this week?

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["Grandma Says" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc.]

Growing Child creates fantastic age-appropriate developmental / parenting e-newsletters. This month’s newsletter for my just-turned-3-year-old has a section that seems broadly applicable to any parent trying to help their child grow and be comfortable socially so, with Growing Child’s permission, I’m sharing it here. The bold, italics and bullet-formatting are mine.

Many 3-year-olds are outgoing, full of talk, and willing to make friendly overtures to other children. But in a strange social situation even the most outgoing child may suddenly become anxious, fearful and shy. This is particularly true of an only child or a child who is adjusting to a new baby in the family.

Pushing a child forward and insisting that she make a place for herself in a group of unfamiliar children who are already involved in play is not the answer. Such parental efforts may only add to the child’s anxiety and tension and may even delay her development of social independence.

Some parents seem to expect socially mature behaviors of children which they do not expect of themselves! We may forget the sinking feeling we have experienced upon finding ourselves all alone in a group of strangers.

If we expect a socially inexperienced 3-year-old to feel comfortable under the same circumstances, we fail to recognize that by her behavior, she is pleading, “I’m scared! What if they don’t want me? Don’t make me go alone!” Instead of helping the child, we punish her by our disapproval.

Let’s look at some of the ways parents can make social experiences more comfortable and enjoyable for their child.

• One way is by role-playing or rehearsal. Dad, knowing that the children whom his daughter Jane will meet at her friend’s home would be strangers to her, might talk with Jane about her friend and about each of the children whom she will meet. If Jane knows even one child in the group, Dad would refresh Jane’s memory of that child. For example, “You remember Elizabeth. She was the girl who let you play with her doll.”
• Dad could initiate a game of “How to meet someone new” and have Jane learn to say “Hello! I’m Jane. What’s your name?”
• Dad could arrange to be the first to arrive at a party so that Jane would have to meet and adapt to only the host child. Then as the other children arrive Jane would be an “insider,” not an “outsider.”
• Dad could also explain to Jane that some of the other children might be shy or afraid, then have Jane practice bringing the shy child into the group. For example, “Would you like to help me take this doll for a walk in her stroller?”
• Another way of providing Jane with security would be for Daddy to suggest that Jane play quietly near him. In that way she could watch the other children playing for a while if she didn’t want to join them right away.
• Upon arrival Dad could take the time to introduce Jane to the other children. This introduction should be more than just exchanging first names. A good host or hostess, or even a courteous friend, will take the time to make an introduction meaningful by noting common interests or by engaging both persons in a short conversation until each feels at ease with the other. In this case, engaging the two children in a mutual activity, such as rolling a ball to one another, might be sufficient.
• If Jane becomes engaged in play, Dad can show her and tell her where he will be if she needs him. Even an older child will feel more secure if she knows where to find her father or mother.
• Play is often more fun when shared. An occasional wave of the hand or smile from Dad will help the sharing. Or Jane may choose to rest for a few minutes by Mom’s side before rejoining the group of children.
• Should you be the hostess, you can be helpful to the shy child. At the same time you can teach your own child social skills and consideration for others. Call your child to you. Introduce the new child. Suggest something like, “Jane, will you show Mary the swings and the sand pile? Ask her if she would like to play with you in the yard for a while.”

A 3-year-old is capable of cooperative play. She enjoys it. But she is not yet very experienced in social interaction. An only child or one whose younger brother or sister is still a baby often has little experience in playing with other children her age. It takes time and experience to learn to play together in a group, to share toys comfortably, to take turns, and to role-play.

She needs the support and reassurance that only her parents can give her as she attempts to strike out into the social world of her peers.

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["Growing Parent" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc. For a free sample of Growing Child timed to the monthly age of your child go to GrowingChild.com.]

It seems that much of good parenting advice – good life advice! – can be summed up as “keep an eye on the big picture.” This one’s no exception – Carol Gestwicki proposes four simple big ideas to sanity check and make sure we’re getting across, versus a never-ending list of specific, always-outdated rules. Seems smart. That said, I have heard the phrase “Please don’t eat the cat food” coming out of my mouth on more than one occasion… :)

The Big Ideas by Carol Gestwicki

Back in the 70′s there was a Broadway show and then a television sitcom titled “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies.” The lighthearted story was about the trials of family life with three young children.

The title came from an occasion when the mother was preparing her home and children to be on their best behavior for guests. She had given her kids a long list of do’s and don’ts.

Much to her shock, one of the boys got hold of the flower centerpiece and nibbled it to a collection of stems.

She moaned that hereafter, her list of behavior standards would include “Please don’t eat the daisies.”

Alas, there is just no way to make a list long enough or sufficiently complete to prepare our children for everything they will encounter in the days and years ahead of them.

If we were to keep adding to the list of prohibitions and rules as our children grow, one could imagine it being a mile long by the time they were teenagers.

Nor is it useful to engage in the style of parenting that discovers afterwards what the problems are, and then makes up rules to match.

Playing catch up with guidance can only be frustrating for children and parents alike.

Rather, it is important that parents understand that the guidance they are giving now to their young children contains the vital limits that will control their actions through life.

That is, they are teaching four basic principles, or Big Ideas, that can be applied to fit particular situations as they occur, no matter the age of the individual.

These really are the important values that should help them make important decisions as they learn to control their actions and behave appropriately.

The four Big Ideas to teach your children are:

1. Keep yourself (and others) safe. This applies to behavior on the playground or running into the street, as well as when you get your first driver’s license or are tempted into risky behaviors by teenage peers.

Parents should frequently ask the question, “Is that a safe behavior?” This helps even the youngest children learn to consider and control their actions.

2. Take care of the things around you. Even toddlers have to learn the limit of not destroying their toys or messing with the property of others.

This same principle later applies to environmental stewardship, managing family resources, and neighborhood relations.

3. Take responsibility for your actions. Even with our youngest children, they must learn that their choices are followed by results. As children learn that their behavior has consequences, they begin to modify their behavior to avoid undesirable consequences.

As a toddler, this means learning that if I make a mess, I have to clean it up, or if I hurt someone, I must make amends. Later in life, this principle means living with the consequences of choices in relationships and job situations. Same principle.

4. Treat everyone fairly, with respect. Learning that others’ feelings, needs and rights must be taken into account is an important idea that governs moral and right actions.

Helping even the youngest children understand this idea lays the foundation for all productive relationships.

Only four big ideas, but if you think about it, these are the ideas behind all our laws and codes for behavior.

Working with young children to help them understand and apply these principles in individual situations is far more positive parenting than making a “Please don’t eat the daisies” list.

Carol Gestwicki has worked with children and families in schools in the U.S. and Canada and taught in an early childhood program in Charlotte, N.C. for over 25 years. A wife, mother and grandmother, she currently works as an early childhood consultant and writes for parents and teachers. Ms. Gestwicki also wrote Positive Guidance on this site.

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["Growing Parent" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc. For a free sample of Growing Child timed to the monthly age of your child go to GrowingChild.com.]

This essay, by Victor Parachin, has some nice homilies. I find myself thinking about these words from time to time: Give it a try, I care about you, I believe in you, Thank you very much, You can do it, I still love you. One rather odd related example from my own life – a wise friend advised, as we were beginning this startup, to remember “no one cares”. And by this he meant, “Give it a try. If you don’t succeed, no one will care. If you do, many will.” Only 3 words, but still…

FOUR IMPORTANT WORDS EVERYONE NEEDS TO HEAR

By Victor M. Parachin

Nearly two decades ago, a nurse rushed Dan Montgomery into his grandmother’s room. Lying in the hospital bed, she looked so small, frail and desperately ill.

At the time, Montgomery was on his way to seminary and filled with self-doubts. He had just given up a full scholarship to medical school and most people thought he had made a foolish choice in turning it down for theological studies.

Close to his grandmother, he truly needed her counsel. However, the nurse warned him the elderly woman did not have much strength left.

When his grandmother did not stir after half an hour, Montgomery began gently speaking to her. Recognizing his voice, she suddenly woke up asking, “Danny, is that you?” The two then had a warm, intimate talk.

As the conversation ended, Montgomery kissed his grandmother goodbye. Turning to leave, he heard her whisper some parting words. He leaned over to listen: “I believe in you,” she said.

“Grandma died that night, but in more than 20 years of work as a psychologist, I have passed on her words many times. Four simple words can make a lifetime of difference,” Montgomery says.

Like Dan Montgomery, most of us find ourselves, from time to time, in difficult and discouraging circumstances where a few words of encouragement and hope can move us from doubt and despair to direction and determination.

Here are some other important four-word sentences which we can speak or convey through our actions. Each one of them can make “a lifetime of difference.”

• Give it a try. Had it not been for his morale-boosting wife, Sophia, American literature may have been devoid of works by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

It was a heartbroken man who came home to tell his wife that he was a complete failure and had been fired from his job in a customhouse. To his surprise, Sophia responded with a shout of joy: “Now,” she said, “you can write your book!”

Deeply discouraged, Hawthorne responded: “Yes, and what shall we live on while I am writing it?” Smiling, Sophia opened a drawer and retrieved a substantial amount of money. “Where on earth did you get that?” Hawthorne asked.

“I have always know you were a man of genius,” she told him. “I knew that someday you would write a masterpiece. So every week, out of the money you gave me for housekeeping, I saved a little bit. So here is enough to last us for one whole year.”

As a result of her trust, confidence and support, Hawthorne wrote one of the greatest novels of American literature, The Scarlet Letter.

• I care about you. In ways large and small, people are frequently discounted and marginalized by others, leaving them feeling devalued and unappreciated.

Do your part to let people know that you do care about them and their well-being. Seize every available opportunity to convey the important message, “I care about you!”

The story is told of a young man named “Bill.” During the late sixties, Bill was part of the hippie culture. At the time his entire wardrobe consisted of a pair of blue jeans, sandals, and some T-shirts with holes.

One Sunday he decided to visit the church across the street from his college. When he arrived for the service, he saw the sanctuary was filled with well-attired and conservative-looking people.

Nevertheless, he made his way down the aisle looking for a place to sit. As he got closer and closer to the pulpit, the young man realized there were no seats left, so he simply sat down on the carpet.

Tension filled the atmosphere in that very conservative congregation. Then, from the back of the church, one of the deacons slowly made his way toward Bill.

In his eighties, the deacon was a distinguished looking man with silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit and a pocket watch. Everything about him indicated a dignified, courtly man.

He walked with a cane and as he headed toward the young man on the carpet, church members were thinking to themselves: You can’t blame him for what he’s going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and background to understand a college hippie sitting on the floor?

It took the deacon a long time to get down the aisle. All eyes were focused on him. The minister delayed speaking until the deacon did what he felt he had to do.

When the deacon reached the front, the congregation watched as he, with great difficulty, lowered himself and sat on the floor next to Bill so he would not be alone.

When the minister gained control of himself, he simply but profoundly observed: “What I’m about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget.”

Through his compassionate approach to Bill, that elderly deacon conveyed this powerful message to the youth: I care about you!

• Thank you very much. When someone has been kind to you, done you a favor, treated you with respect and courtesy, remember to say, “Thank you very much.” Let both your words and actions communicate your gratitude. It will be appreciated and memorable.

Recently, officials at the West Virginia University College of Law at Morgantown were stunned and delighted to learn of a $93,000 gift.

The money was donated by the 75-year-old former school custodian, Regina Jennings. Her gift makes Jennings one of the school’s biggest contributors. “I was shocked,” admits Dean John W. Fisher II.

For 15 years Jennings swept, dusted, polished and mopped the halls and classrooms. She retired from her $10,000-a-year job in 1989.

Combined with her own savings plus a small inheritance she received, Jennings decided to make the donation. Her motivation: She was simply passing on kindness she received from people at the school. “Everyone there was so nice to me, it felt like a family,” she says.

• I still love you. Whenever people have made a mistake, committed an injustice or simply blundered, conveying, “I still love you” is a powerful correction which can help place the person back on the right path. Letting people know they are still loved gives them a second chance and restores their sagging self- esteem.

Consider extending love and speaking the heart-warming sentence, “I still love you” the next time that …

• A spouse hurts you;
• A friend disappoints you;
• A child disappoints you;
• A family member is insensitive toward you.

Be guided by this wisdom from writer Emmet Fox who says: “There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no door that enough love will not open; no gulf that enough love will not bridge; no wall that enough love will not throw down. It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.

• You can do it. Often the difference between our failure and success is one person who offers encouragement. Encouragement is a power that creates a supporting atmosphere in which we are given the courage to carry on. Fueled by encouragement, our plans have a chance to unfold naturally and well.

In 1963, Mary Kay Ash stepped out to build her own “dream company.” She had recruited a few salespeople and invested her life savings in the new venture. Mary Kay would train and supervise the beauty consultants while her husband would handle the administrative side of the new business.

Exactly one month before the business was scheduled to open, Mary Kay and her husband were having breakfast together when he suffered a fatal heart attack.

Although she lacked management experience, Mary Kay decided to continue with her plans.

Turning to her attorney for advice, he shook his head and said: “Mary Kay, liquidate the business right now and recoup whatever cash you can. If you don’t, you’ll end up penniless.”

Likewise, her accountant tried to dissuade her, saying: “You can’t possibly do it. This commission schedule will never work. It’s just a matter of time before the company goes bankrupt-and you along with it.”

Deeply discouraged and struggling with her grief, Mary Kay met with her family for a conference. Her elder son, Ben, who was 27 at the time and the married father of two, said he liked the company plan.

“Then calmly and deliberately, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a savings passbook. The balance showed $4,500-a sum I knew represented everything he had saved since high school,” Mary Kay recalled.

“Mother,” he said, “I think you could do anything in this world that you wanted to.” Then he handed Mary Kay the passbook. “Here’s my savings. If it will help you in anyway, I want you to have it.”

His positive words and generous gesture were all the encouragement Mary Kay needed to set aside doubt and move forward with faith. Today Mary Kay Incorporated is a billion-dollar company.

Of course, there are many other four-word sentences which ought to be spoken frequently-Let me help you; Do not be afraid; How can I help? Give it a try-are some.

The important thing is that we make it a habit of offering such encouragement to everyone we encounter on a daily basis. What we say and how we act can indeed make a lifetime of difference!

Victor M. Parachin is an ordained minister, freelance journalist and the author of several books, including 365 Good Reasons To Be A Vegetarian and Eastern Wisdom For Western Minds.

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["Growing Parent" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc.]