Parents Guild Blog

Growing Child creates fantastic age-appropriate developmental / parenting e-newsletters. This month’s newsletter for my just-turned-3-year-old has a section that seems broadly applicable to any parent trying to help their child grow and be comfortable socially so, with Growing Child’s permission, I’m sharing it here. The bold, italics and bullet-formatting are mine.

Many 3-year-olds are outgoing, full of talk, and willing to make friendly overtures to other children. But in a strange social situation even the most outgoing child may suddenly become anxious, fearful and shy. This is particularly true of an only child or a child who is adjusting to a new baby in the family.

Pushing a child forward and insisting that she make a place for herself in a group of unfamiliar children who are already involved in play is not the answer. Such parental efforts may only add to the child’s anxiety and tension and may even delay her development of social independence.

Some parents seem to expect socially mature behaviors of children which they do not expect of themselves! We may forget the sinking feeling we have experienced upon finding ourselves all alone in a group of strangers.

If we expect a socially inexperienced 3-year-old to feel comfortable under the same circumstances, we fail to recognize that by her behavior, she is pleading, “I’m scared! What if they don’t want me? Don’t make me go alone!” Instead of helping the child, we punish her by our disapproval.

Let’s look at some of the ways parents can make social experiences more comfortable and enjoyable for their child.

• One way is by role-playing or rehearsal. Dad, knowing that the children whom his daughter Jane will meet at her friend’s home would be strangers to her, might talk with Jane about her friend and about each of the children whom she will meet. If Jane knows even one child in the group, Dad would refresh Jane’s memory of that child. For example, “You remember Elizabeth. She was the girl who let you play with her doll.”
• Dad could initiate a game of “How to meet someone new” and have Jane learn to say “Hello! I’m Jane. What’s your name?”
• Dad could arrange to be the first to arrive at a party so that Jane would have to meet and adapt to only the host child. Then as the other children arrive Jane would be an “insider,” not an “outsider.”
• Dad could also explain to Jane that some of the other children might be shy or afraid, then have Jane practice bringing the shy child into the group. For example, “Would you like to help me take this doll for a walk in her stroller?”
• Another way of providing Jane with security would be for Daddy to suggest that Jane play quietly near him. In that way she could watch the other children playing for a while if she didn’t want to join them right away.
• Upon arrival Dad could take the time to introduce Jane to the other children. This introduction should be more than just exchanging first names. A good host or hostess, or even a courteous friend, will take the time to make an introduction meaningful by noting common interests or by engaging both persons in a short conversation until each feels at ease with the other. In this case, engaging the two children in a mutual activity, such as rolling a ball to one another, might be sufficient.
• If Jane becomes engaged in play, Dad can show her and tell her where he will be if she needs him. Even an older child will feel more secure if she knows where to find her father or mother.
• Play is often more fun when shared. An occasional wave of the hand or smile from Dad will help the sharing. Or Jane may choose to rest for a few minutes by Mom’s side before rejoining the group of children.
• Should you be the hostess, you can be helpful to the shy child. At the same time you can teach your own child social skills and consideration for others. Call your child to you. Introduce the new child. Suggest something like, “Jane, will you show Mary the swings and the sand pile? Ask her if she would like to play with you in the yard for a while.”

A 3-year-old is capable of cooperative play. She enjoys it. But she is not yet very experienced in social interaction. An only child or one whose younger brother or sister is still a baby often has little experience in playing with other children her age. It takes time and experience to learn to play together in a group, to share toys comfortably, to take turns, and to role-play.

She needs the support and reassurance that only her parents can give her as she attempts to strike out into the social world of her peers.

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["Growing Parent" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc. For a free sample of Growing Child timed to the monthly age of your child go to GrowingChild.com.]