We don’t presume to tell you how to parent here at Parents Guild – after all, we started this site for us all to help each other figure out how we each want to parent! – but we do offer for your consideration some thoughts from the “Grandma Says” feature of Growing Child. Here Grandma makes a strong case for saying, and sticking to, “No”.
THE POWER OF A WORD
If someone told you that you could shape your young child’s orientation towards becoming a successful adult by doing one thing during his or her early years, my guess is that you would do it. Who doesn’t want their children to become successful, well-rounded adults? Well, here is that one thing: Respond firmly when necessary with the word, “No.” Even more specifically, be clear about the “no” when your youngster is having a temper tantrumto try to get his/her own way about something. There is specific teaching power in that one word.
Now this is not as simple as it first sounds. In life’s stressful moments, many parents may be tempted to give in to the demands and tantrums employed by youngsters to get what they want–think of the classic grocery store exhibition, of the red-faced child screaming to get the candy she/he wants.
After all, who wants to be subjected to the embarrassment of the stares and comments of others when the little ones create a scene? It is often difficult to maintain a long-term perspective when the short-term event is so challenging.
Think for a moment about the character traits that are developed when parents use, and stick to, that one little word: “no.” Peace at any price may be a very high cost indeed to pay for not saying, “no.”
Self-control, the ability to swallow one’s impulse and restrain one’s actions when they are not appropriate, is a vital component for successful adult lives. As children learn to rein in their words and actions, they develop the ability to master their urges, rather than give in to them immediately. This is a first step to being able to take over aspects of one’s life, rather than have those aspects rule the individual.
Learning that “no” means something helps children slowly develop respect for others. The original request or temper tantrum centers only on the child herself, what it is that she wants. By not allowing children to win through temper tantrums, parents help children learn to show consideration for others.
Temper tantrums disregard anyone except the child himself. Children may not agree with the parent’s viewpoint, but they are asked to respect that others have rights.
Understanding that we don’t get everything in the world we want, or when we want it, helps children to develop patience. Delayed gratification lies at the base of learning to wait for desirable things, of learning that a goal may not come immediately. “No” judiciously applied helps children learn something about the realities of life, that the world does not in fact revolve around their needs and wants, and that others may not quickly grant their every wish. These are valuable lessons to learn before venturing into college, or the world of work and relationships. So, ignore the stares of fellow shoppers, and stick to your guns. That “no” has long-term, lasting value.
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["Grandma Says" is a feature of Growing Child, used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc. NB: The emphasis above is mine.]
