This is a succinct and specific article describing the hallowed middle ground between disciplinarian and pushover.
I’ll admit, contrary to the assumption at the start of the article, our actions suggest that my husband and I are often more afraid of being pushovers. But we swing the gamut across all three approaches, periodically erring & correcting our course. I think perhaps there’s also a generational swing afoot here – with the parents of the 80s/90s being lax, and the parents of the new millennium erring the other way. What do you think?
Are you using these strategies of “positive guidance”? Do they work for you?
(We must be using them sometimes at least, as my 2-year-old said to me the other day “Mom, I’ll give you a choice: play marbles now or later?”)
POSITIVE GUIDANCE BY CAROL GESTWICKI
Many parents seem to believe that there are two alternatives in child rearing.
One is to become the kind of ogre that we may remember from our own childhoods, the adult who rules absolutely by producing fearful responses in children.
Since this is not an appealing role for most parents (harmful as it is to parent-child relationships) they often adopt the other alternative.
This is to become a kind of “anything goes” adult, who seems powerless in the face of children’s learning behaviors.
You have likely seen these adults, usually coaxing or cajoling an out-of-bounds child while receiving the obvious disapproval of others around.
There is actually a third alternative: The kind of adult who helps children slowly learn how to live within the parameters of acceptable and respectful behavior, without fear or the absence of self- control.
These adults use positive guidance strategies. Let’s consider several of these.
1. Parents offer two choices that are acceptable to both child and adult.
Choices support children’s need to be independent, as well as define the limit and acceptable behavior. This gives children some control over what is happening.
“Do you want to walk to the car by yourself, or do you want me to carry you?”
This is an example of positive guidance. Either way, the child is getting to the car, but the parent is allowing the child a measure of control.
2. Another positive guidance strategy is to provide alternatives to the unacceptable direction of behavior.
In early childhood-speak, we call this “redirection”, which is simply offering an acceptable alternative to an unacceptable behavior.
It is completely unacceptable to kick little sister or the dining room table leg. Providing a big Nerf ball allows the child to redirect the kicking impulse and energy to the backyard where it belongs.
“Those are Daddy’s books,” Mom says to the toddler, “Here, let’s find your books to look at instead.”
3. Help children understand “when”… “then.”
This kind of statement helps children know the next appropriate step or behavior, and places the child firmly responsible for what happens next.
“When you put on your jacket, then you may go outside.” “When you stop screaming, then you may come back and join us in the family room.”
4. Tell children how you feel and why.
“I statements” (like “I feel scared when you climb on the shelf, because you could fall and get hurt,” or “I feel angry when you yell names at your brother, because that hurts his feelings.”) describe what is going on, your feelings, and the reason for your feelings.
Such communication teaches children that their actions affect others, giving them a reason to modify their behavior.
After all, the relationship you have with your child means that your child is happier knowing his/her behavior has been pleasing to you, so your less positive feelings become motivations to change.
5. The last strategy is being quite specific in your comments when you see your children behaving appropriately.
Explaining exactly what it is that children are doing appropriately, and why, means you will see that behavior repeated.
“You are picking up the baby’s toy for her. That makes her happy, because she couldn’t reach it herself.”
There is power in positive guidance, the power of helping your children learn appropriate behaviors, and the power of helping you become an authoritative, effective parent.
Carol Gestwicki has worked with children and families in schools in the U.S. and Canada and taught in an early childhood program in Charlotte, N.C. for over 25 years. A wife, mother and grandmother, she currently works as an early childhood consultant and writes for parents and teachers.
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[Used by permission of the copyright owner Growing Child, Inc.]
