This is both an earnest question, and hopefully food for thought. I’ve talked to a few (brilliant, wonderful) parents, members of Parents Guild, that hadn’t been posting much or at all and got an answer to this question that we hadn’t anticipated: “Oh, well, I don’t have much to say. Other parents certainly know more and are doing better than I am…”
So, if that’s the issue… that is, you feel like you’re not qualified to post, let me assure you that we’re not either! ;) Seriously! That’s the thing about parenting, unlike careers or hobbies, there’s little formal education, little certainty of mastery, it’s often challenging, and I’d bet most of us spend a lot of time thinking we’re not doing it very well. Or that others are surely doing it better. Or both.
But the truth is that we’re all (with the rare exception) parenting well-enough, and we’re all doing something exceedingly well (something we don’t really spend much time thinking about, because, of course, it’s working well!), and there’s almost certainly someone out there who would benefit from knowing how you made something small (or big!) work well in your household. Just food for thought.
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For more on this topic, see:
- The Inner ‘You Stink’ by Adelle at Ready, Go, Get Set. An excerpt:
Lois Shea in her essay Big House, Little House, Back House, Barn [from Mommy Wars], hits the nail on the head.
“We have an awful tendency to see our own failings as mothers – real or imagined – in one another’s strengths. [My friend] calls this phenomenon, only half-jokingly, the inner “you stink” voice.”Doesn’t that ring true?! At a mother’s group recently, my friend Susan admired my homemade banana-bread, scoffing at the store-bought muffins she had brought. I’m sure that in HER head, what she was telling herself was: “She’s a working mother and SHE managed to make something from scratch. But you, what have you done? You ran to Safeway! You stink! You stink!”
The irony is that Susan is an amazing cook. She plans well-thought-out and healthy meals for her family 7 days a week and when she mentions offhand the snow peas and tofu dish she’s in the middle of preparing, I look at the chicken nuggets in my oven and think: “What kind of mother are you? You are feeding your children prepared foods! You stink! You stink!”
- Who decides what makes a good mother? by Staci Schoff at mamazine.com. An excerpt:
Today there are all kinds of prescriptions and formulas one can follow to be a good mother. If you go to a La Leche League meeting you’ll learn that all you have to do is breastfeed your baby every time he stirs (day and night), and have no intention of weaning to be a good mother. If you watch the Dr. Phil show, you’ll learn that if your children are “well disciplined” without being spanked or yelled at, you’re a good mother. Marc Weissbluth will tell you being a good mother means your kid is a good sleeper (sleeps twelve hours a night alone and naps in the afternoon). A visit to the Weston Price Foundation will confirm that good mothers only feed their kids food that would have been available prior to industrialization….
My rule of thumb is that if it isn’t something that could have been done by a Neanderthal mom, than it can’t be a moral directive (otherwise known as, something everyone must do in order to be a proper mother).
- Feel like a failure as a parent? You may be doing everything exactly right. by Denise Schipani at Confessions of a Mean Mommy. An excerpt, relaying a conversation with an child psychologist:
…D.W. Winnicott, the guy who came up with the concept of the good-enough mother. Another of his core beliefs, this doc told me, because it was germaine to our conversation, is that to be a good parent, you have to gradually and minutely fail your child.
Ding!
She explained further: It’s not that you should Fail your child with a capital F (not feed them, not hug them, not pick them up from soccer practice, you get the idea). But you are doing it right when you execute these teeny-tiny failures.
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Finally, if you’re not posting for the reason above or for other reasons, we’re very curious why not. Is there something the site could be doing better? Is it something that you think is just you? (please comment below or email us). Thanks!
